If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
why isn’t he texting back
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.