A Short Story.
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
good let them take over I have had enough
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I like my jims slim and my chances fat