interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe