If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
You Might Also Like
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Tastes like chicken.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.