Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
You Might Also Like
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
i will not be silenced
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.