I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.