4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Dolls on drugs
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers