my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
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You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
B
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.