I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.