[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
You Might Also Like
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
ATMs should have breathalyzers
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at