me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Trumpy Cat
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.