Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
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I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
just make the entire table out of coaster
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself