9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
What flavor cupcake are these
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”