who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Jail
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
#polloftheday
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever