Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest