Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”