my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.