[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.