Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
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Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself