I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
☺️
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*