My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.