I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My neck, my back, my…
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
choose your fighter
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.