*puts cutlery down*
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“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work