Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
This makes total sense…
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no