Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
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COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired