Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
You Might Also Like
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome