My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.