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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
what does he know…
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.