My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.