[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
i meant to share this earlier
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack