You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
You Might Also Like
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Woke up against my better judgement again
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time