Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The struggle is real
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one