I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.