If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
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hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
When your man makes a valid point