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God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.