Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one