A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
These 3D printers are insane!
My Sentiments Exactly
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad