I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
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I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”