Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash