The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
ready to be harvested
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?