I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed