My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”