What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.