I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.