Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I will never stop laughing at this
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”