Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long