I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
You Might Also Like
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
God has left this place
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
This cat wants you to take your pills
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”