I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
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if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
opening twitter today
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes