7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring