[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
That’s amazing.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both